Growing up, it seemed like my mother didn’t have a worry in the world when it came to raising me. She would come home at 5 p.m. from her job in the city, have dinner already made from the morning and kick up her heels. We ate while watching TV and talked about our day during the commercials.
Today, though, many moms I come across have a long list of fears and anxieties. In some ways, it looks as if our generation has it all — great careers, beautiful families, nice homes — but with new complexities, life still feels harder.
Psychotherapist Meredith Darcy attributes these overwhelming feelings to the general culture of motherhood in America today. “The pressure to perform and attain levels of perfect selflessness is exhausting, especially when mothers are working full time and trying to raise healthy babies, all while having meaningful careers,” she says. “Mothers still seem to feel the onus of parenting.”
For better or worse, my mother never put much pressure on herself to make her mark on the world or do something great (as I often find myself trying to do). She worked hard for a paycheck but relaxed when she had time off and was generally happy with her life.
However, Darcy says many mothers in today’s world feel as if they need to achieve perfection, and that this need to “get it right” can be unhealthy. “An idealized sense of motherhood is crippling mothers today,” she says. “This idealized sense of motherhood — what is expected from mothers combined with societal expectations — can feel oppressive and anxiety-provoking, leaving moms reaching for the unattainable goal of ‘mommy perfection.’ Minimizing and reducing one’s entire sense of self (desires, feelings, needs) in the effort to attain perfect selflessness leaves moms feeling inadequate.”
Licensed clinical psychologist Rochelle (Shelly) Steinwurtzel, says that multitasking could also be contributing to this stress. “Women today have many responsibilities and aspirations in terms of home and work life,” she says. “We are raising our kids without ‘the village’ of the past, which can create greater anxieties associated with finding child care we can trust. Similarly, mothers who are working are often still managing the details of their children’s lives and the home from afar, so multitasking is fairly constant, exhausting and potentially anxiety-provoking.”
It’s true: We are so tough on ourselves. There are also new worries that weren’t really around for past generations. I spoke with some moms about their biggest anxieties today, and here’s what they shared:
Food Allergies
Life-threatening food allergies is something that mom Robin has to worry about every day. “It makes the anxiety harder to manage because it is completely, 100 percent justified,” she says. “Every day, everywhere, my children have the potential to stop breathing and go into shock from the touch of someone’s hand. So I can work to manage the anxiety, but the threat is still constant, and the hypervigilance is still required.”
Climate Change
Mom Sari feels anxious about how climate change will impact her 6-year-old daughter. “My daughter has grown up in a home where we talk about caring for the environment, but we try to spare her from any terrifying details,”she says. “She has a positive relationship with nature and has started picking up trash (her thing, not mine) at her school and bringing it home to throw away. Recently, she wanted to clean trash from the roadside. I felt proud of her but also so angry that adults have trashed up the planet and are now leaving this for children. It’s so unfair to them.”
Working Harder
Many parents today are experiencing the weight of impossible expenses. Mom Amy says, “Many households are dual income but don’t make enough to hire extra help around the house, so parents (especially moms) end up working two full-time jobs between work and home. We have more expenses than previous generations. Day care is astronomical!”
Too Much Information
“We are constantly comparing ourselves to others on social media. We live in a 24/7 world where turning off and tuning out is nearly impossible,” Amy adds.
Mom Erica agrees. “I feel like we have more access to information than previous generations, and the world seems so much scarier (or maybe it is just so much scarier), and that’s why I worry about my kid constantly,” she says.
School Shootings and Disease
School safety is a scary, but very real, issue that parents and children are unfortunately dealing with today. Mom Alicia says, “My littlest is only 8 months old, and already we are discussing home-schooling options due to how dangerous it has become in the area where his school would be located. Ten years ago, there were no such fears. School shootings — which his father and I are both survivors of — give us pause. Then, there are also so many illnesses going around and people who simply don’t know or care about staying away when sick. My anxiety is rather high during this flu season, and we are very careful where we take him.”
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Related: Easy Ways To Avoid Getting Sick This Season
Yes, all these thoughts — and many more — have passed through our heads, and sometimes they linger for far too long. The question is: How do we handle worries and fears that create anxiety in us, so they don’t stop us from living a happy and peaceful life? Life’s too short to spend it running around tasking in misery.
Aside from seeing a professional to come up with a treatment plan, therapists offer these techniques to cope:
Self-Care
“Practicing self-care is essential — moms need to take care of themselves,” psychotherapist Darcy says. She believes that mothers often get stuck in a loop or a pattern of sacrificing themselves for their families and children. This can lead to feelings of isolation and a sense of overwhelming burden and responsibility. “When a mom gives and attends to herself, she will have more emotional, physical and psychological patience and resilience for her children’s everyday care,” she adds.
Related: Why Self-Care Doesn’t Need To Cost A Fortune
Share and Get it Out
Having someone to share with or relate to can make all the difference. “Listening to others in similar situations and sharing about yourself, your excitement and pleasure, as well as your struggles and worries, has positive effects on one’s self-esteem and overall daily satisfaction, feelings of happiness and self-worth,” Darcy says. “The help of a psychotherapist or parent support group can also be immensely helpful.”
Healthy Routine